today's prayer

Dear God,

Yesterday was really shitty. Today hasn't been much better. I'm having such a hard time keeping sight of the bigger picture. I'm usually pretty good at staying positive and reminding myself that things are ok...but today has been hard.

Sometimes things just get a little bit much. Sometimes it's hard not to wallow. Please help me get out of this. Please help me to not lose sight that I have a very blessed life. That I am lucky. That I am cared for. That everything always works out in the end.

Thank you for keeping my loved ones safe and healthy. Thank you for carrying me through times darker than this. Thank you for giving me the tools to get through this shitty day, even though I might not see them right this second.

xo

blurt

Just because your little boy likes to dress up in princess dresses doesn't mean he's gay. Sometimes little kids just like to try different things. More often than not, when little girls play with trucks or want to wear their big brothers clothes, they are labeled as "tom boys"....not lesbians. So why do we push that label (or ANY, for that matter) on little boys?

More importantly....why are we pushing sexual orientation onto kids who are of an age where they really have no concept of sexuality?

Maybe your kid is gay. Maybe your kid is straight. Making comments on that while they are four or five or six seems inappropriate.

I know a lot of little kids. I work with little kids all day. I can't tell you who any of them are going to sleep with when they are 21. Kids are kids, and sometimes they do things that are outside  social standards....it just means they are kids. That's all.

And another thing....if you reward a behavior in a child, with love or attention or whatever....that child will probably keep behaving that way. If you fawn over your child when they act in a stereo-typically homosexual manner, they will probably keep doing it. Not necessarily because they are or are not gay....but because kids are going to do things that get them attention and that their parents praise them for.

I know of so many parents pushing sexual orientation on their young child, before the kid even has any business worrying about it.

Just let your kid be a kid, for pete's sake.

8 years ago....

That's my middle boy back when he was about 4 months old.

Today is is 8th birthday.

When I was pregnant with him, every night I'd go to tuck in K (who was 5 at the time) and she'd say "Goodnight Mama, Goodnight E. I love you, Mama. I love you, E." It was the cutest thing ever. He's been loved and adored since before he took his first breath.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with him. We'd actually been actively trying to get pregnant. I suddenly put on about 10lbs and said to my husband as I walked in the bathroom to pee on a stick "I'd better be pregnant or else I'm gonna be pretty upset about this spare tire".

He was born in a tub in my bedroom after 8 hours of pretty hard labor. He was 9 1/2 lbs and once we got out of the tub and were getting settled in bed, he took a giant poop on his dad.

He was our little "ticking time bomb" baby. Things would be fine and then *BOOM* he'd freak out hysterical crying for no apparent reason. He didn't sleep through the night till he was almost two.  Luckily he was a ridiculously adorable little dude, so we kept him anyways.

He's my only baby that even remotely resembles me. While K and little E are basically clones of their fathers, as Big E gets older he looks more and more like me. Comparing my 7 year old pics to his, and he's basically just the boy version of who I was. But....cuter.

And now he's this big eight year old boy, doing eight year old boy things and rapidly losing his little boyness. He's a good big brother....until Little E gets too annoying. He adores his big sister and Pokemon. He's incredibly sensitive and sometimes he just makes me tear up a bit with how sweet he can be. 

Happy 8th birthday to my middle child, my oldest son. I love you so so much.

in a year

I don't believe in coincidence.

I've had this stream of thoughts floating around my head all weekend, looking for a way out. And then I saw this on Pinterest:

I had a lot of people ask me this past week about my weight loss. I get a lot of "what did you do?"

Yeah, I changed my diet and I started working out a lot, but you know the thing that made the biggest difference? I got my head on straight, I got happy, and I finally figured out how to love myself. 

That sounds super contradictory, doesn't it. I learned to love myself so I changed? How does that even make sense!!

I'll tell you. 

I learned to love myself enough to know that I deserve what I want. And that I deserved to be treated well....even if that meant treating myself well.

That's what I did. That's what made the difference. That's what made it all work this time.

But what does that have to do with some random pin I saw?

I remember the day it all clicked in my head. I looked back at my New Years resolutions from last year and I realized I had failed at every single one. But who cares, right? No one keeps those.

But....I realized that I had just wasted a whole year of my life not changing anything and I had not made any progress. A whole year of remaining stagnant. I could have done something...but I didn't. I had said I wanted to lose weight, I half assed it and at the end of a year I had nothing to show for it.

A year flew by. And I knew the next year would fly by too. And I wasn't going to let another year go by with no progress.

And that's when I committed to treating myself better. That's when I put it all together and that's when it finally worked.

Us grown ups know how fast a year can just blow by. In terms of weight loss, it seems like a long time....but when you look back over a year, it goes by like lighting. So I made a year long goal. Because I didn't want to look at another lost year again.

And now less than 6 months into it, I'm over 30lbs lighter. I've passed that year goal I made. And I have no idea what's going to happen between now and December 31 but I do know this...when I look back at the resolutions I had for this year, I can be really proud of myself. 

That's what I want to say to all the people who ask me how I did it and then balk at the commitment it takes. On January 1, 2013.....do you think you'll be proud of how you treated yourself over the past year? Do you think you'll be happy with the promises you made and kept to yourself? Or will another year have passed that you wished you had started *something* but didn't?

what if

Next time you are in a position where you have to make choices based around something you are afraid might happen, ask yourself..

What if it happened? Then what? 


And then what after that? And what's really the most likely outcome?




More often than not, you realize the thing you are scared of happening really doesn't have such a treacherous outcome.

You'll get through it. It probably won't be that bad.

a little bit surreal

Last night I found myself at a gathering of the the ladies in my neighborhood who have become friends. I ended up in the middle of the following conversations:

*The benefits of going gluten free, because we've tried everything else, but you have to make sure your produce is OMG organic!

*How it's imperative to get your nanny to do your laundry. Because folding those small clothes is just too difficult.

and of course, the inevitable discussion...

*Parents of toddlers spending years (literally) researching and stressing out about where they should send their child for kindergarten.


At a certain point I just stopped and looked around and thought "Holy shit, I'm at  the official cliche-middle-class-white-moms  meeting!"

"it's called gratitude...."

Tonight I am grateful for:

*some stranger on Freecycle who brought me a TV for my room when I first moved into this house. One of my guilty pleasures is getting into bed and watching "Friends" till I fall asleep.
*my crazy, imperfect family who loves and cares for me when I am crazy and imperfect.
*having nice neighbors.
*good friends.
*those cute double walled tumblers with straws that look like to-go cups.
*my kids.
*Wednesdays.
*that one of my best friends owns a gym and has made it possible for me to do so many new things this year.
*that I made it through last year.
*timely gifts in the mail when I'm feeling down.
*God reaching into situations and making them ok just when I need it.
*giant, convenient thrift stores near me and the ability to have extra money to shop at them.
*coffee.
*being able to provide nice things for my kids, especially when that comes in the form of doting grandparents.

used to

It used to be that  the songs that would remind me of us or him were sad.... melancholy....conflicted...a little bit depressing. And I suppose that was appropriate.

Today, it's the happy, poppy, somewhat cheesey and cliche love songs that remind me of him. It's those songs that make me miss him a mere hour after he's left. Those songs that make me marvel at how it is we landed where we are today after all we've been through.

I've been thinking about what I'm grateful for...and right now, near the very top of that list, I am grateful that we didn't give up. I am grateful for new starts. I am grateful for happiness.

Official

At the end of 2011, I made two resolutions for the year.

As of this week, I've accomplished them both.

156lbs means that I've officially lost 30lbs since mid-January.

I've been close for several weeks. I hovered at 157/158 for a few weeks, the scale taunting me. I had a week where I went on several outings with friends and a week of PMS-ing in there, so I wasn't too stressed out...I knew I had the deck stacked against me for losing those weeks. But last week I got serious about getting back on track with my eating and workouts....and it paid off. I stepped on the scale and got the numbers that, back in January, I was't  really sure I'd ever see.

With that one resolution for the year reached, I peeked back at the blog entry and realized I had accomplished the other one as well. I haven't run a half marathon yet, but I regularly run 5k distances and have been working on improving my speed. The other night, I sprinted a full mile and did it in 8.5 minutes, and a few day ago I did a 5k distance in about 30 minutes. Not to shabby.

So yeah....I'm pretty happy right now. : )

how far we've come

Friday was my daughters 13th birthday. Normally I write a post on her birthday every year, but putting together a party that would be acceptable to a group of teenage girls proved to be a bit more stressful than I anticipated.


As the day approached, I had those thoughts that are probably typical of parents who's kids get older....."man, I feel old" and "holy crap, I don't know if I'm ready for this".

But on Friday, as the party guest began to arrive, I found myself hit in the gut with the realization of how far we've all come in these past 13 years.

When I got pregnant, I didn't know if I would finish college. K's dad and I had a horrible, bitter, awful relationship. I was broke and I moved to this new city and had no friends and no real support system. Over the years, things went up and down. I struggled with relationships and jobs and, of course, trying to be a good mom in spite of all the other stresses. We all made mistakes, and, looking back, I  think that many of mine may have been the worst ones.

There were times when I was more scared and sad than I'd ever been. There were things I said and did to K's dad and to my ExHusband that I can't believe I said and did. We all played a part in creating some really crappy situations.......and we were grown ups taking care of children, for pete's sake. We should have know better and done better.

There were some really dark days. Times when I was honestly so low and pessimistic that I thought we'd never make it out. There were days I spent crying for all the crap that I had drug my child through.

But here we are.

We made it to 13 and I have no idea how it happened...but everything is going ok. K's dad and I aren't great friends....but we are no longer great enemies. We get along, we make it work. I don't know where it went or how it melted, but the pain and anger I carried with me for so long are gone. To his credit, when he shows up to my door to pick her up he no longer has the hard look in his eyes from years ago. We can crack jokes and make small talk. And all that just means we aren't putting our kid in the middle of something she has no business being in the middle of.

The cast of characters that he and I added to this crazy story...the other partners, the other kids....some still around, some not...there were growing pains when they came and went. But things have mellowed and calmed and stabilized.

And now 13 years after that horrific first year...13 years after the unimaginable fights and hurt...13 years after I wondered if I could even do any better for that little baby girl...13 years later, and we've all come so far.

I have no idea how it happened. I watched her with her friends Friday night and it all seemed a little surreal. She is a good kid with good friends who come from nice families. She's happy and normal. And it all seemed to happen like magic. We all turned out ok. We all made it through the hard parts. We all managed to get to this place, and where we have landed 13 years later is actually pretty good.

recipe share: peanut sauce baked tofu

I've had this recipe bookmarked for ages....look at the pics, doesn't it look like you want to eat it?

I finally got around to making it last night and it did not disappoint.  The only thing I changed was that I used a tablespoon of hot chili oil instead of adding cayenne or chili flakes. I used extra firm tofu and didn't have a press...so I just pressed it as best I could between plates and I think it came out just fine.

The sauce is super easy and amazing and I will probably use it on chicken as well. Mmm....peanut sauce.

I'm already looking  forward to the leftovers for lunch.

pic from the loveveggiesandyoga.com site

shitty things about losing weight

Apologies if this sounds douchey. But it's my blog and I'm going to vent...

I am about a half pound away from 30lbs gone. And I confess I am so excited to step on that scale and have it read that magical "156" that was my original goal weight.

But getting fit and losing weight has not come without it's little challenges and annoyances. It's been worth it, of course.....but there are things you don't think about that pop up. Things that make you go "oh crap, I didn't think about this happening..."

1) People asking for advice...and then telling you why you are wrong.
I have a lot of friends asking me how I did it and how they can do what I've done. It's not some magic thing...I ate better, ate less, and worked out A LOT more. Or, rather, I prioritized eating healthy and exercising over just about everything else in my life. And I'm not special or better than anyone else. I just reached my tipping point of being tired of being unhappy with myself.  But usually when I tell people how I did it, all they do is throw back excuse as to why it won't work (uhm, hello! it DID work! I'm standing right in front of you!) or why they can't do it.  And...lets be honest. We all know what it takes to lose weight. If you don't want to do it, fine. I don't care. But don't ask me for advice and then tell me it doesn't work or you can't do it. Because it does and you can.

2) Having to buy an entirely new wardrobe...when you're broke.
For the first month or so, I was able to hang onto a lot of my old stuff. It was baggy but passable. Then one day I caught sight of myself in a window when I was out and about and holy crap...I looked terrible. My clothes were ill-fitting and I just looked like one of those moms who's just give up. I had to admit that my old stuff had to go and I had to buy new stuff. Except I don't really have a ton of expendable income. So, when I get extra cash I usually will hit up thrift stores but...man, an ENTIRE WARDROBE is a lot and even thrifting it can get pricey! Especially when I go through two changes of clothes a day (work out clothes and normal clothes) and that's on a good day when  no one spits-up or pee's on me! If Lucy and Macy's would like to sponsor my new wardrobe, I wouldn't say no...

3) The Ex's
Oh, the ex's.
Seriously guys. This is getting ridiculous.
All of the sudden, all these ex's are coming out of the woodwork and being REALLY nice and complimentary and then saying "hey, let me take you out for drinks so we can catch up". Really!? You had no interest in me at all 4 months ago and now you're all about liking every damn thing I post on Facebook and texting me all the time? Seriously? If you didn't realize I was awesome before, why do I want to hang out with you now? I know that in one way, it's flattering but...really, it's also kind of insulting. I was funny and interesting and fun to hang out with 4 or 5 months ago. If you didn't give a crap about me then, I really don't feel like hanging out with you now. (and... I'm dating someone who has been one of my biggest cheerleaders through this process and with all these jerks, it means even more to me that he's been there the entire time instead of just showing up once I was thinner.)


Alright...I'm done sounding like a whiney brat.

I am so grateful for where I am in life. I am so grateful for my amazing friends and family. 99% of the time, I'm just plain happy. But there is that 1% where I get annoyed....and isn't that what the internet is for anyways?